Inspiration

Can't wait to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Blindsided-Lifting-Illness-Reluctant-Memoir/dp/B000ECXDLM

Enjoying breath :)

Official diagnosis today is PSC. Things have come full circle! I'm in the early stages, like Stage 0/1. The rate of progression is hard to predict, but its usually 10 - 15 years before a transplant is needed. PSC patients have an excellent prognosis for transplant. 

I def have moments of angry/frustrated/scared with thoughts like - Seriously this on top of everything else? Isn't it hard enough to date as a female nerd now I need to explain this? Will I make it to AARP age?

The part that's been the toughest mentally (besides "Do I have enough time to become supreme dictator of the world?") is I can't feel this disease in my body so I can't tell if my actions have any impact. The doctors told me to watch out for jaundice, increased pruitis, fever, chills and to expect an increased amount of tiredness. They also told me to be very cautious with drinking, but I don't drink much anyway and have decided to give it up completely since it feels illogical to drink with a degenerative liver disease (and seriously - apologies in advance to friends who enjoy their drink - most alcohol doesn't even taste that good to me lol.)

Lately some weird things have happened though - for example, I seem to get paper cuts more easily (probably cause of dry skin). After assisting and teaching on Saturday, both of my legs had bright red patches by the knees which disappeared by Monday (probably contact dermatitis). These events seem unrelated but I can't help but think - hmm hope liver is ok - every time something weird happens.

At the same time, I feel like I have been handed a gift - heightened awareness and gratitude for each breath. I enjoy each breath fully. I take pleasure in thinking, sensing, feeling and moving around. I feel a heightened sense of urgency to pursue dreams and goals. I am making a list of things I want to do - and intend to DO THEM NOW:) I am also actively making choices. I am not letting my life, however long it may be, pass me by.  

Love your liver

Another wonderful statement courtesy of my mom :)

I felt super happy and at peace when I got home from my first day back at the studio! Then, about 40 min later I felt nervous again because my skin felt a bit stretched and sore around the biopsy site. The paranoid, illogical thought entered my head "oh no what if I cause further damage from exercise"...Over the past couple weeks, two leading heptalogists have reassured me this is not possible, and that exercise still is good for me.

But it's weird to have something brewing inside that I can't feel or sense.

Every time weird thoughts and fears pop up, or when I have a minute to meditate, I ask for strength to complete the tasks I'm here to do and for power to serve my people. I ask for sight to see what others need and humility to give it. I ask for compassion for myself and for others. I pray.

Things will feel normal again after a few weeks, I'm sure of it, and I will remember "oh heck yeah my body can do stuff and I didn't break"! Till then, I can have funny escapades in "what weird things will my head come up with it"? Stay tuned...

Feedback is as much about the giver as it is about the receiver

I've heard the phrase "feedback is as much about the giver as it is about the receiver" but the gravity of the statement didn't land with me till earlier today. I asked a couple of friends and family members to help me answer the following question:

Should I broadcast this blog across different social media? [Note: Not sure if the content is interesting enough to peak anyone's attention but that's a separate issue :)]

I received a variety of answers, mostly concentrated in part of the privacy spectrum. I am not implying that answers were absolutely correct or absolutely wrong - just that responses seem to be mostly consistent. It was an interesting thought experiment to ask people to describe their thought process (using the 5 whys technique) and listen to how they came to conclusions. Each person seemed to ask different questions based their feelings, opinions and fears of vulnerability - i.e., most of the polled folks would probably admit that they veer towards the less open side. The feedback givers' interpretation of my intent with the blog also weighed in at some level. [Note: These are my closest friends and I subconsciously probably choose to listen to them because they hold similar values and biases :)] It'd be interesting to ask someone from the opposite end of the spectrum - someone who shares a lot of personal information openly - and hear their take on it. I suspect I'd get a different response.

I'm conflicted on this topic myself - see pros and cons either way so am reserving making a decision till a direction "feels more right," but this raises a broader question about feedback and perception - how much can we trust the validity of our judgement/opinions/impressions if our thoughts are all skewed at some level based on where we come from?

I had a very strange 360 review a few months ago, strange mostly because there were drastically different opinions about my performance, capabilities, strengths/weaknesses, and "readiness" for additional leadership responsibilities. Apparently, multiple people came out of the woodwork to weigh in. I guess I must be doing different, maybe even right, if so many people have opinions?

A coworker told me this morning, just to share an observation nothing more, that I seemed deeply conflicted on where to take my career and he perceived I view my job more as a paycheck and have a passion for yoga. He believes my conflict rests with balancing passions/interests with desired lifestyle. People may perceive this conflict as immature. [his impression != truth which is partially my fault since I haven't universally shared every passion...pick and chose the one I thought would resonate more; more on that later] His impression was valuable to hear for the following reason:

His impression is as much about him as it is about me, if not more.

The neat trick with feedback is that it gives us opportunities to understand others. I can reverse engineer how people see the world based on their opinions on any topic, including my performance. This understanding makes it easier to handle what comes and figure out what to do with it. It can also help modify how to present information in a way that lands better in 1:1 interactions. The coworker mentioned earlier chose a particular career path to support a certain lifestyle because he had to, and he seems to view issues in terms of financials -ie., the type to vote based on his pocketbook. He's a great guy - I don't mean to imply anything other than that - but its interesting to receive feedback from him cause I can see him better in the process, and also understand how he sees me through his lens. This gives me the choice to figure out which pieces of information to share, and how to present it given his interests.

I have my own filters. I like to find the good in people, so my initial impression of most people is positive until I've seen repeated events that seem to indicate 'sheisty-ness' at which point I label that person as "bad" which isn't fair either, especially since I have the prejudice of assuming actions are deliberate. I guess the important thing is I am aware of the limitations of this viewpoint and am willing to hear other opinions and accept that they are equally valid. I ask questions about other viewpoints, not because I doubt, but more as an attempt to understand.

The challenge is handling the mentality of "I am right prove me wrong" in an opinion/not fact based space. I've heard folks try to repeat one or two sentences a person said as facts, but basic neuroscience could prove that such statements are not fact since we all put our spin on things. I have been guilty of this mindset as much as anyone else. Its a tough pill to accept that no matter how much I try to be objective through reading many articles, books, and documents with differing takes on the same topic, I am also subjective at some level. I like to believe I am less subjective hehe :) It seems like an effective way to get through in such situations could be to attempt to apply the same filter as the recipient and try to explain pros/cons through that process. So if someone says "Person X said Y" to prove a point, respond back "well my notes show Person X said Z." There is something to be said for meeting people where they are :)

The "truth" is I absolutely love being a manager. Lately, my team has been leaping forward, coming up with new investment requests, expanding academic knowledge in different fields, and settling into new team roles. I feel like a proud mama bear every time one of them runs forward with an idea and like an emotional dork I sometimes shed happiness tears (no sarcasm; I actually do like a silly bleeding heart). Its great to see people grow and follow their interests. My team inspires me to be a better human and a better leader every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people, and the best part is I don't have to do much other than share a tool or technique here and there. Sometimes, I have to make tough decisions and communicate news that may negatively impact people. It sucks, but is the reality of the world and is out of my hands. In said events, I try my best to do right by them, and swallow the pill (not choke!) that sometimes even good intentions can lead to negative outcomes...YAT easier said than done.

I care deeply about technology and associated social/policy implications (e.g. information should be free and open) to the point where it drives me mad when both are at odds. I like creating new products and services and helping my clients improve their daily lives. I also enjoy yoga tremendously, since it has been a blessing and gift that has offered me peace and belief in possibilities. Fundamentally, I like to channel everything I know/am as a being into helping others and making the world a better place.

I sometimes don't talk about the people and things I love and value for a variety of reasons:

1 ) I don't think the person I'm speaking with would be interested in that topic
2) Talking about things/people makes me consider that such things/people may go away which is scary...haha as if its safer to keep stuff secret! I know this is an illogical and silly way to look at things, but I guess half the battle is awareness that I am being illogical and silly and am willing to to admit stupidity. Awareness++!

trophy wife

My little asian mom said to me this morning that work, life, etc can sometimes feel like "I am the trophy wife and the old man that I married for security keeps knocking and I want him to go away but I have to bare a grin and let him in."

I love that my mom said that. She's brilliant and doesn't realize it.

Today has been a lesson in "fake it till you make it." I woke up feeling like grumpy cat, but I had some great conversations and experiences with coworkers and now I feel renewed again.

Moral of the story - Faking it till you make it works...unless people start thinking you are crazy because you are smiling so much that the edges of your mouth crease are almost as high as the bottom of your nose.

Inception

I am still reading "Subliminal" by Leonard Mlodinow. It's a great book! The last couple chapters I read included the following points (among others):

Point 1: People tend to remember the gist of memories rather than the details. There are multiple examples in the book of inaccurate eyewitness accounts from individuals who were heralded for their memory. This may be a survival tactic so that we respond quickly to changes in our environment. Imagine if we remembered every single detail - it'd be incredibly taxing and time consuming for our minds to sift through all of the details to pull out relevant information and figure out a fight/flight response.

Point 2: People create false memories based on new information to fill in memory gaps. For example, Ulric Neisser asked students at Emory to write their account of how they heard about the Challenger explosion. He asked a subset of these students three years later to again document how they heard about the explosion. There were significant differences between the original write-ups and the write-ups from three years later. The latter write-ups were more dramatic and cliche. The funny thing is that the authors had more confidence in the latter write-ups than the former ones!

It is interesting that people tend to modify memories into more simplistic, understandable stories over time. Our perspective, and new information we hear from other people, influences this process. For example, I recollected a health saga from 10 years ago in the first post of this blog. The post reads as an a vivid, dramatic re-telling of multiple challenging incidents in an organized story. I honestly don't remember the day-to-day boring-ness so did not write about it. After reading this book and re-reading the post, I bet events were less orderly when they occurred, and I probably created details. I could not tell you which, and would probably be extremely surprised to find out, but it'd be interesting to do a comparison with an old journal and see.

The movies Life of Pi and Inception both flirt with limits of memory in different ways. *Spoiler Alert* Life of Pi includes two accounts of the same story, both of which include examples of human virtue and depravity. One story is more fantastic and ethereal - it provides hope and faith in the ability of our species to survive through tremendous darkness. The insurance agents balk that the first story is unbelievable, so Pi shares another version that is short, concrete, and stark. At the end, the storyteller asks his audience - which do you like better? Given what we know about the subconscious mind, both stories are probably partially false. I like the first version, the fantastic retelling, because I connect with it more. Oddly it feels "more authentic" even though its not really, just more dramatic like the second memories of the Emory students. All of us "strong communicators" probably apply dramatic storytelling tactics to engage our audience more than we realize. I express emotions through my facial expressions, my hand movements, my words, and my body language - and it is an effective public speaking tactic. People listen. And probably remember 15% of what I said later :)

*Spoiler Alert, although I'm assuming you probably already saw this movie* Inception describes tactics for planting false memories. Memory planting is described as a tricky process. However, as described in Subliminal its not that hard to do...researchers have planted memories in subjects by starting with a true past incident and warping the details. This technique works since as mentioned earlier people remember the gist but not the details and seem to recreate their own false memories to fill in gaps.

Taking this a step further - does this imply that we can change our memory of the past based on shifting our current perspective? For example, if we choose to view life in a hopeful, uplifting manner, would our memories from the past be re-colored in a new light? I bet guided meditation and other therapy techniques work because of this - these techniques retrain our minds to falsify and/or erase details of past traumas and replace the memories with new positive imagery. I'm sure ad agencies exploit memory falsification for other motives, but eh  as long as they don't convince me to do something crazy, I'm ok with it. Makes my life more exciting and colorful!

Separate Note: I am feeling much better after R&R and will resume normal activities tomorrow!

Wiggle your big toe

I had a liver biopsy yesterday. The procedure went smoothly, yay! The only weirdness was when the attending physician and senior ultrasound tech discussed what they were seeing on the ultrasound screen while the other radiologist and junior tech were marking me and getting ready to poke. It was strange to lie there and hear my body discussed in nerd-excitement lab experiment tones ("oh look those bile ducts are so big! Definitely PSC."). I closed my eyes during the 5 minutes, felt minimal pressure and on the plus side didn't hear anything new. 

I feel ok, just achy, tired and sore. I definitely had a Kill Bill moment this morning when I tried to get out of bed. My abs felt like non-functional jelly. I kept saying in my head "Sit up. Press down your hands and sit up. Press down your legs and sit up." Eventually I asked my family to create a human bar with their arms in front of my face. I grabbed their arms with my hands and pulled myself up! Wahoo for yoga arm muscles! Now, I feel fine walking around in my room (albeit slowly), sitting, and am digesting normally. Double yay!  

The cool thing is my sister surprised me and showed up this morning! She took an early morning flight from Boston and met up with us in Baltimore. She's been plotting this surprise with my mom for days. It's great to have her here, mostly because I keep forcing her to give me foot massages bwahahaha. 

On a separate note, I've been reading the book "Subliminal" which discusses the significant role our subconscious mind plays in shaping our viewpoint and memory. I probably picked up the book because it has a bright green cover and disguised text saying "Buy Buy Buy" across the book jacket :) There's an interesting point early in the book about the limits of our memory formation, retention, and recollection. The author cites John Dean's testimony from the Nixon/Watergate scandal to illustrate how individuals heralded for their precise memories can be dead wrong about the facts (Dean's testimony barely matched tape recordings from actual conversations with Nixon). It's amazing that we create own tapes of what happened! This makes me wonder, how much of my health issues do I really remember? How much of anything do any of us remember? Kind of makes me want to use my iPhone all day to tape situations!

Sith Lords and Boxification: Part II

I had great conversations with two amazing coworkers (names shall remain hidden to protect identities) over the past couple days:

Boxification: The world is simpler when everything and everyone fits a box, but people can be more than their boxes!

Coworker B: An intelligent person can simplify situations and abstract out the complex.Me: It's weird that everything can be boiled down to a diagram of a bunch of colored boxes in boxes with lines linking them. Are we losing meaning in the process?Coworker B: There's value from abstraction (pulls people up from getting wrapped around in details when they are missing the point), but it's also important to understand the limitations.

I am consultant and a technologist. This means my mindset, if I apply stereotypes from both disciplines, could be that every world problem can be addressed by applying a 3-phase process, and the solution is some sort of app. As you can tell by my sarcasm, I have many concerns with this 'approach to life' :)

I completely agree with my coworker that there is value from simplifying situations. Case in point, I had a client who needed help with some analysis. He kept getting lost in the details of various policies/efforts/organizational issues and didn't know where to start work. My team was able to help him figure out an approach to conduct the analysis and identify a starting point. The initial "solution" was a simple document, that showed a collection of information from different sets. The team is currently iterating to mature the process and accompanying tools for capturing, analyzing, and reporting information on demand. 

However, I wonder sometimes if we jump too quickly to come up with a solution and lose sight of important details in our quest to solve a problem. Maslow's hammer - give a boy a hammer and everything starts looking like a nail - seems like a common phenomenon in both consulting and technology. The irony is we always complain about it, yet we keep doing it, myself included!

The scarier thing, at least scarier to me, is when that mentality applies to people. I often hear managers try to type people - she's an analyst or he's a developer. Typing makes it a lot easier in large organizations to understand individual strengths and weaknesses and move people between projects. It makes it easier to hire and fire. However it can be a limiting viewpoint, particularly when there are folks who can fit other roles but are not given the opportunity to develop and market those skills. I know of some developers who are also great writers / editors and visual artists, but their talents outside of coding are rarely utilized to their fullest potential. Some of them have started side projects to nurture their talents, which is great, however their gifts go unacknowledged formally. The boxification mindset disincentives creative exploration and growth outside of set boundaries (why invest time doing a side project when you are only evaluated on stapling papers rapidly, just get better at stapling and do it for a long time so you get promoted to lead stapler). It also limits the benefits that can be reaped by the organization through harnessing talent.

In general, I hate boxes. When anybody tells me you can't do that or you aren't that, I get annoyed and go on a "I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG" rampage. I believe everyone can do whatever they put their minds to, and encourage my team to find their own limits and surpass them. I can come off pushy, I know, and am trying to harness it a back a bit so people go at their own pace and make their own choices. However, I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE BOX and believe that people are unique snowflakes. If someone wants to stay in a particular role, that's totally fine - its their choice. Eventually all of us will be hired/fired/replaced, but as managers and leaders its our job to help our teams believe that they have unlimited potential individually and collectively and enable their growth.

Unrelated Note: My liver biopsy is in a few hours. Wish me luck! Hopefully the doctors will be able to confirm the diagnosis after reviewing results.

Sith Lords and Boxification: Part I

I had great conversations with two amazing coworkers (names shall remain hidden to protect identities) over the past couple days:

Sith Lords: The force is strong within you, young-ling. Use it for good!

Coworker A: I keep finding corporate CEOs and world leaders who resemble Emperor Palpatine.
Me: Creepy. It's annoying that so many executives resemble hidden Sith lords.

Yes we were talking in stereotypes, but the physical similarities between Emperor Palpatine and a few known world leaders (names shall remain hidden to protect the innocent and not-so innocent) are undeniable. One could argue mental dispositions are similar too. But why is that?

I am interested in answering this question for my own sanity and the sake of the people since I've always wanted to run the world. In fact, I think I am destined to run the world. Yes the previous statement may read conceited and overconfident but it is something I have been thinking since the age of 7. I have been preparing for many years by reading interviews with famous scientists, intellectuals, entrepreneurs and doctors in magazines to identify potential answers to various questions. I've imagined what I'd say in interviews to project different images.

Me: I would like to be a tree. [Note: I am not as good of a human as Katherine Hepburn and probably would never say this. But hypothetically if I did the conversation could go in one of the following different ways]

Barbara Walters: What kind of tree?
Nice, Caring Me: I am a sensitive willow tree by a gentle, bubbling stream. I shelter parents and kids as they have picnics below my branches. I am a source of joy for others.
Yoga Me: I am a strong oak with roots that dig deep into our Sacred Earth. My branches sway with the wind but my foundation is always strong.
Clever Me: One that exists. [Note: This reminds me of the time some CMU CS friends happened up on a large wooden uppercase epsilon in the lobby of my dorm and took photos by it to prove they existed. Fun times in nerdville. I wonder why someone built the epsilon? Probably for a silly fraternity ritual.]
Weirdo Me: I am a tree that flies! [Note: It'd be cool to be a flying, superhero tree.]

This thought process may read as calculated and contrived, but its what goes on in my head all the time. The interesting part is all of these answers are equally correct - I think all of these things, many of them simultaneously. As you may infer, I consistently personality type as an ENTJ. However, I recently read the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" and typed high as an introvert. Maybe I just like checking of 'yes' in questionnaires?

Anywho, this got me thinking about common portrayals of good and evil. Evil characters are always depicted as calculating and manipulative. Good characters are shown as honest, naive, and often get taken advantage of by evil characters. They are too good to see through the charms of the evil characters and spent most of their lives struggling to move forward. Evil characters seem on a constant path towards success but eventually demise due to their one fatal flaw.

I've struggled most of my life to figure out if I'm good or evil. I am ambitious, logical and have goals to do big things and run the world. At an intuitive level, I continuously plan to achieve those goals. I instantly view the actions of others equally schematic/thought out. I used to think feelings were a weakness and hid mine as much as possible. Lately, I purposefully have focused on diving into yoga to shift this perspective and grow more comfortable with my feelings as well as those of others. However, it's still a very conscious effort to view the world in terms of emotions instead of logic.

Coincidentally, my mom has been watching East of Eden. I read the book a long time ago, but forgot most of the story. East of Eden focuses on discussing the classic question of good versus evil...and concludes with the notion of choice, or timshel - thou mayest. A person can choose how to act. Our choices define who we are.

This led me to conclude that I am not evil. I am a normal, flawed human being who has made some bad decisions and will continue to make some bad decisions. I want to use my skills/talents to do good, but the complexities of the world make it hard to tell sometimes. I see the good in others and want to help them be successful. I choose to be good! I am normal!

<Insert mental image - my friend's shirt that showed the mirror image of the world normal - lamron>

30SIF, Seeking beauty in the mess

I walked in to the office yesterday and made a beeline straight for the bathroom. My skin broke out (a lot!) a few weeks ago, probably cause of stress/anxiety from ongoing health drama, and I wanted to see how bad the damage was in office lighting...I stood in the bathroom and walked back and forth from the mirror till I concluded - I look "normal" with foundation on about 2 - 2.5 feet away from people, but the acne definitely shows if people stand a bit closer. But who stands within 2 feet of you right? Only creepy weirdos (and yoga people, but eh its yoga)! To play it safe, I packed up my bag and relocated to a different building / office in the complex, where I felt there was between 30 - 50 % less chance of running into people.

This got me thinking about an inspirational episode of Project Runway from years ago. The contestants had the challenge to take a photograph of a scene outside and translate it into a garment. Andre (pronounced as "aaaaauhnnndre" in Tim Gunn's voice) took a photo of water near a sewer grate, and captured the beauty from the image in a stunning gown. He was the only one who took a photo of non-perfect new york scene.

One could argue that a pebbly sewer grate water puddle is slightly "prettier" than acne, but nevertheless I was impressed by Andre's ability to look at something gross and see something beautiful inside. I rarely look at faded, residual scars like the small PIC line mark on my right arm, or tiny pinprick scars from IVs in my hands and forearms. Generally, I think I'm beautiful...till people start asking questions.

Doctor: "You have significant striae. Where is this from?"  
Me (in my head): Oh I dunno, maybe an after effect of any of the 10 medical issues I recounted to you less than 15 - 20 minutes ago
Me (out loud): "From 2001 when I rapidly gained weight from significant prednisone and then lost weight again."

I feel less beautiful when the questions come, because I start looking at myself and feeling less beautiful. I have come a long way from the days when I never felt safe in bathing suit, and never went anywhere without makeup. I still have a long way to go, but that's ok. I am actively seeking to find beauty in my mess and am finding it there every day.

I farted. I am alive.

During today’s 6pm yoga class, I farted out loud during half pigeon pose and laughed. The fart confirmed that my lower digestive system works and that I’m not constipated. I will admit that I am happy nobody assisted me during the pose. I am also happy that I farted at a yoga studio and not during a meeting at the Pentagon. Regardless, it was an awesome, empowering experience.

This isn’t the first time that I was happy to experience a bodily sensation. After leaving the hospital in 2002 post-splenectomy with “stabilized” portal vein thrombosis, I was excited to poop. It was great to sit on a toilet by myself, think about things, and have a wonderful release at the end of the experience (sometimes a long process requiring me to tilt my hips forward and backward till I built up the strength to expel feces). I was excited to see normal colors and no blood. I knew good things were ahead.

I recently had a rude awakening that dredged up these memories from the past and made me aware of how much I have forgotten about living with chronic illness and being grateful for life. About four weeks ago, I started itching like crazy, couldn’t sleep at night, and convinced myself that I had scabies. I immediately called the doctor thinking I need to get better soon so I can assist and teach yoga class this week. The doctor initially thought I developed a new allergy, but realized based on labs that something was wrong with my liver.

Things are still vague after weeks of scans, tests, and multiple appointments with specialists. My initial diagnosis is primary sclerosing cholangitis, which is a condition more common in white guys (not short indian females). Since I do not fit the profile, my hepatologist thinks I may also have also autoimmune hepatitis. The doctor scheduled a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. Based on internet research, it seems like the treatment path could be a mixture of prednisone/azathioprine with potentially needing a liver transplant in the future. The pewter lining is that there’s an excellent prognosis for PSC patients who get a transplant. Heck, maybe we’ll be able to 3-d print a liver soon!

The weird thing is that this sort of feels like a rehash of 2000. Back then, I was 17 years old and was diagnosed with my first chronic health condition - autoimmune hemolytic anemia. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks before starting college at Carnegie Mellon University. I was excited to go to college, and had the attitude that nothing was going to stop me from starting school on time with the rest of my classmates. I was going to graduate from Computer Science with honors (HA…more like barely pass, but more on that later) and work on Wall Street and make a ton of money and take over the world and sickness did not fit in the plan! Anyway, after a whirlwind couple weeks of appointments, hospital stays, and new drugs, my counts increased enough so I could relocate to Pittsburgh and continue my treatment at Childrens Hospital of Pittsburgh.

The staff at the hematology/oncology center (nurses, doctors, lab technicians) was amazing and incredibly supportive. They tried to calibrate my drug doses (prednisone and at times azathioprine…yep same drugs) to not impact my exam schedule. They accommodated my class schedule and squeezed in appointments once or twice a week. I distinctly remember sneaking away from campus for those appointments on the 61 A/B/C buses and hoping nobody noticed my band-aids in class afterwards.

It was a weird time…I created my own version of normal to cope with the situation (duh of course it’s normal to go to the doctors between humanities electives and programming class because it gives my brain time to switch from left to right…or is it right to left?) while moving through the motions of a standard college experience. After the surgery, and PVT complication, I spent 6 months in recovery after which I was re-defined as “healthy again, minus the chronic portal vein thrombosis which may result in esophageal varices – i.e. if I randomly spew blood, I should go to the hospital and have my vessels repaired.”

It took me a while, through some therapy and extensive self-reflection, to mentally recover and find a new passion for service. Physically, I have been pretty stable since 2002 minus a small blip a few years ago when I developed slight varices that quickly shrunk after banding. Up until four weeks ago, I had pretty much reverted back to the pre-2000 ignorant, blissful mental state of “normal.”

Right now, I am just am grateful to breathe. I am grateful for my family and friends. I accept that change is inevitable, and that at the end I will be alone. I see great things are ahead.