I read / watched a few awards ceremonies and definitely felt humbled learning about the work that others did in film, music, art, technology, and for society. Each awardee had major accomplishments and deserved praise. It seemed like folks were applauded the most for chasing their dreams and believing in possibility. I appreciate that viewpoint and harbor it too, with some bounds.
But, what about the folks who make sacrifices to make others dreams possible? My mom and dad for example - they gave up their dreams in childhood and teenage-hood to help their family. One can argue if that was the "right decision" or the "most optimal choice" - but all that aside, its what they did. I came as a result of those choices and am happy that I exist :)
I do not mean to indicate that those who achieve success don't make sacrifices - yes they definitely do! But all "visionaries" are successful because of a team. And...not all of them are great to be around on a daily basis since its always about them :)
I will not mention any names here...a visionary I'm thinking of did not show appreciation in everyday interactions. It's weird that the whole world now looks at this person as a role model, and I had alternate experiences. In fact, I found this person to be a major jerk and one of the worst people I've ever met! Incredibly narcissistic, arrogant, etc. This person only seemed to "care" if you agreed completely with his/her world view. In fact, this individual had a reputation for it - and was known to only help others who helped him/her. Everyone else was discarded like trash. The funny thing is I was warned about this by many others, including those closest to this person, and then was "shocked" when I experienced the same behavior. Now this individual is publicly seen as a hero. I scratch my head a bit when I think about it.
From what I hear, this person changed dramatically when facing an incredible life challenge and acknowledged mistakes from the past. I appreciate that - I changed a lot too when dealing with/recovering from a major life challenge in my late teenage years. I made many mistakes in interactions with the individual as well, and have learned from the experience. I still have some unresolved anger, hurt and sadness from interactions with this person, but am practicing forgiveness and compassion.
All this aside, I would like to take a minute to thank my team - everyone who has entered my life and helped me grow. Some of you are still in my life, some of you aren't. I enjoyed being around some of you and hated being around some of you (and still hate some of you) - but all of you have been teachers. In fact those of you I hate the most have taught me the most about myself (what I value, what I don't value, who I want to be...my shoulds, etc). I have grown from my interaction with you. I am learning to love all of myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am grateful.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Difficult Conversations
I started to read a book called "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" and am experiencing "a-ha" moments every two paragraphs! It's seriously amazing. I recommend this book strongly to everyone. It's opening up my eyes to how my limited knowledge set and associated interpretations, assumptions, and meanings influence difficult conversations and my methods for handling said conversations.
I'm currently applying the technique of documenting my implicit rules/shoulds. This will help me understand my own story, and be a stepping stone towards asking others for their "shoulds" so I can see the differences in the rule sets AND embrace both stories.
My "shoulds":
* You should always see the good in people.
* You should always show appreciation to others no matter what.
* You should always offer to help.
* You should always point out the good / what worked.
* You should limit criticism to 1 - 3 points.
* You should always pay your bills.
* You should invest in purchasing assets that appreciate (gold, "real estate", etc.)
* You should spend little money on luxury goods.
* <probably more things>
Just this exercise is shedding light on how I perceive certain actions as "wrong" and "disrespectful." The authors also mention that difficult conversations are less about the factual aspects about being right and more about the emotions around it...there's a great example about a parent telling their teenager "don't smoke" - the conversation is less about the parent's being right and more about how the parent and the teenager feel about the issue, what the teenager should do, and the parent's role in the process. The parent is scared and sad at imagining potential consequences and feels powerless; the daughter needs to feel independent, break out of a good girl mold and has ambivalence about doing something that makes her feel good and frightens her.
Yay I've already learned so much, and there's so much more to read and learn!
I'm currently applying the technique of documenting my implicit rules/shoulds. This will help me understand my own story, and be a stepping stone towards asking others for their "shoulds" so I can see the differences in the rule sets AND embrace both stories.
My "shoulds":
* You should always see the good in people.
* You should always show appreciation to others no matter what.
* You should always offer to help.
* You should always point out the good / what worked.
* You should limit criticism to 1 - 3 points.
* You should always pay your bills.
* You should invest in purchasing assets that appreciate (gold, "real estate", etc.)
* You should spend little money on luxury goods.
* <probably more things>
Just this exercise is shedding light on how I perceive certain actions as "wrong" and "disrespectful." The authors also mention that difficult conversations are less about the factual aspects about being right and more about the emotions around it...there's a great example about a parent telling their teenager "don't smoke" - the conversation is less about the parent's being right and more about how the parent and the teenager feel about the issue, what the teenager should do, and the parent's role in the process. The parent is scared and sad at imagining potential consequences and feels powerless; the daughter needs to feel independent, break out of a good girl mold and has ambivalence about doing something that makes her feel good and frightens her.
Yay I've already learned so much, and there's so much more to read and learn!
Metacognition
EXPLAINS EVERYTHING --> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacognition
...and is probably why I do yoga...lol I tend to get lost in my head thinking about the process of thinking (questions like - how do I listen, or how do I see, how can I improve these processes, etc)...and the process others use to think...and how I can route things to an optimal place given desired outcomes.
Metacognition feels like a good thing cause it helps me improve learning processes and learn more, except when it goes to an anxiety extreme, at which point I force myself to listen to my breath and do a pose :)
However, I wonder if poor metacognition (the arrogant, ignorant, immature phenomenon) is inadvertently "rewarded" in large structures due to said individuals taking more action...It takes a huge lack of self awareness to assume competency in certain areas (e.g., really bad singers who audition for american idol and genuinely believe they are good) and as one builds more "meta cognition" one realizes "I am not that good at X but can get better at X by doing Y."
It takes time to build the knowledge and come to the realization, but perhaps the time spent thinking prevents one from taking action? Like that idiot at the office who can barely spell his name and never seems to think (I'm intentionally saying his) but asks for the promotion repeatedly till he gets it cause "he deserves it" even though he provides no value whatsoever. Seriously, you could fire him tomorrow and feel no real impact. I'm sure everyone knows at least one of these :) But he takes action repeatedly and eventually receives the opportunity.
I have various issues with the "take action" mentality - often feel like a lot of problems could be prevented if people thought more and did less - but have been figuring out how to balance taking action with thinking time. Sometimes being more action oriented seems better, sometimes it feels stupider and pointless, especially if you are taking an action in a stupid direction (yes there is a stupid path). Eh. I guess its a constant balancing process :)
...and is probably why I do yoga...lol I tend to get lost in my head thinking about the process of thinking (questions like - how do I listen, or how do I see, how can I improve these processes, etc)...and the process others use to think...and how I can route things to an optimal place given desired outcomes.
Metacognition feels like a good thing cause it helps me improve learning processes and learn more, except when it goes to an anxiety extreme, at which point I force myself to listen to my breath and do a pose :)
However, I wonder if poor metacognition (the arrogant, ignorant, immature phenomenon) is inadvertently "rewarded" in large structures due to said individuals taking more action...It takes a huge lack of self awareness to assume competency in certain areas (e.g., really bad singers who audition for american idol and genuinely believe they are good) and as one builds more "meta cognition" one realizes "I am not that good at X but can get better at X by doing Y."
It takes time to build the knowledge and come to the realization, but perhaps the time spent thinking prevents one from taking action? Like that idiot at the office who can barely spell his name and never seems to think (I'm intentionally saying his) but asks for the promotion repeatedly till he gets it cause "he deserves it" even though he provides no value whatsoever. Seriously, you could fire him tomorrow and feel no real impact. I'm sure everyone knows at least one of these :) But he takes action repeatedly and eventually receives the opportunity.
I have various issues with the "take action" mentality - often feel like a lot of problems could be prevented if people thought more and did less - but have been figuring out how to balance taking action with thinking time. Sometimes being more action oriented seems better, sometimes it feels stupider and pointless, especially if you are taking an action in a stupid direction (yes there is a stupid path). Eh. I guess its a constant balancing process :)
I hate rules.
I signed up for an ethics and the information society class during grad school. I'm really happy I had the opportunity to take the class since it has become my reference point for understanding different perspectives and associated choices...The weird thing is "perspective balancing" feels like a new "thing" to worry about. Not sure if this is a new mark of adulthood, increased responsibility, changes in my mentality, symptom of the environment, or all three!
I'm not sure of where I fall on the moral relativism / universality spectrum. It seems like there is a core set of principles that apply regardless of one's cultural upbringing (i.e., do not kill other humans), but even those principles have exceptions. Anything on top of that seems open to debate...I've seen too many cases where five intelligent people hear the same facts and walk away with differing interpretations and conclusions. There's some sort of sub-conscious filter we each apply based on our "world view."
This is where team/group dynamics seem to get very interesting - since everyone at the table brings their world view, and it almost becomes a food fight between differing perspectives. I admit I argue my opinions as voraciously as anyone else! The irony is that neither perspective seems to be any more right than another - but to make the "best decision" the team seems to lean towards a more common viewpoint. Majority rules. This is fine, albeit frustrating when one is in the minority camp.
The part that is annoying is the argument tends to go down the path of "which side has more proof" - when it seems like either side can be argued just as well with just as many supporting facts, and at the end of the day it comes down to personal preference on importance weights applied to facts. As illustrated in the 9/11 report, erasing a minority viewpoint can lead to an intelligence failure - i.e., the majority is not always right. This is why minority opinions are so important. This is why we have a democracy. This is why our society adopts minority viewpoints over time and changes.
These failures could be prevented if people would own up to "this is my preference" rather than saying "this is right" so both sides are heard. My preference is to see the good in others. I am happier this way. Is it right or wrong - I don't know! Probably sometimes right and sometimes wrong depending on the evaluation mechanism. But I know that is my preference. For this reason, if the team wants to see that there's a spook in every corner, I will learn to *reluctantly* go with that viewpoint if there's no significant harm to a population. Pick your battles :) This is a new practice, and I will mess up, but can learn to do it!
I remember learning about deontological ethics (the "rules" types; duty first, etc.) and teleological ethics (ends justify the means) among different ethical viewpoints. I've encountered folks who exercise each of those perspectives more frequently. I guess I'm a hybrid of the two - so always balancing it all on some sort of scale that gets re-vectored.
The interesting thing is I find it easier to understand teleological arguments - profitability is our motive and doing x will lead to more profit - and seem to not experience as much conflict with folks who apply that lens more frequently because it's clearer to me. I understand the outcomes they seek and can find a path towards said outcomes. I am not willing to "go as far" from a means perspective - and it can be frustrating when others employ means that come into conflict with things I'm trying to do that I think are morally better - but whatever it makes sense :)
I get confused when I deal with rules types...cause well very little seems absolute to me. It makes me angry when I hear "this is how this works" or "this is THE path" or "this is THE process" because it's easy to find a million equally effective counterexamples given objectives that also pass a moral test. I guess this is the challenge any relativist would have when dealing with absolution. Maybe I should read more Kant and practice applying rule sets!
The weird thing is I've seen folks with different rule sets UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. It's a complete mind boggle. But I guess they are both applying the same ethical lens - so one reads the others actions as "oh that's their rule" and vice versa? Ack. No wonder they can't understand me - too many inconsistencies across non-existent rules lol.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Inspiration
Can't wait to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Blindsided-Lifting-Illness-Reluctant-Memoir/dp/B000ECXDLM
Enjoying breath :)
Official diagnosis today is PSC. Things have come full circle! I'm in the early stages, like Stage 0/1. The rate of progression is hard to predict, but its usually 10 - 15 years before a transplant is needed. PSC patients have an excellent prognosis for transplant.
I def have moments of angry/frustrated/scared with thoughts like - Seriously this on top of everything else? Isn't it hard enough to date as a female nerd now I need to explain this? Will I make it to AARP age?
The part that's been the toughest mentally (besides "Do I have enough time to become supreme dictator of the world?") is I can't feel this disease in my body so I can't tell if my actions have any impact. The doctors told me to watch out for jaundice, increased pruitis, fever, chills and to expect an increased amount of tiredness. They also told me to be very cautious with drinking, but I don't drink much anyway and have decided to give it up completely since it feels illogical to drink with a degenerative liver disease (and seriously - apologies in advance to friends who enjoy their drink - most alcohol doesn't even taste that good to me lol.)
Lately some weird things have happened though - for example, I seem to get paper cuts more easily (probably cause of dry skin). After assisting and teaching on Saturday, both of my legs had bright red patches by the knees which disappeared by Monday (probably contact dermatitis). These events seem unrelated but I can't help but think - hmm hope liver is ok - every time something weird happens.
At the same time, I feel like I have been handed a gift - heightened awareness and gratitude for each breath. I enjoy each breath fully. I take pleasure in thinking, sensing, feeling and moving around. I feel a heightened sense of urgency to pursue dreams and goals. I am making a list of things I want to do - and intend to DO THEM NOW:) I am also actively making choices. I am not letting my life, however long it may be, pass me by.
I def have moments of angry/frustrated/scared with thoughts like - Seriously this on top of everything else? Isn't it hard enough to date as a female nerd now I need to explain this? Will I make it to AARP age?
The part that's been the toughest mentally (besides "Do I have enough time to become supreme dictator of the world?") is I can't feel this disease in my body so I can't tell if my actions have any impact. The doctors told me to watch out for jaundice, increased pruitis, fever, chills and to expect an increased amount of tiredness. They also told me to be very cautious with drinking, but I don't drink much anyway and have decided to give it up completely since it feels illogical to drink with a degenerative liver disease (and seriously - apologies in advance to friends who enjoy their drink - most alcohol doesn't even taste that good to me lol.)
Lately some weird things have happened though - for example, I seem to get paper cuts more easily (probably cause of dry skin). After assisting and teaching on Saturday, both of my legs had bright red patches by the knees which disappeared by Monday (probably contact dermatitis). These events seem unrelated but I can't help but think - hmm hope liver is ok - every time something weird happens.
At the same time, I feel like I have been handed a gift - heightened awareness and gratitude for each breath. I enjoy each breath fully. I take pleasure in thinking, sensing, feeling and moving around. I feel a heightened sense of urgency to pursue dreams and goals. I am making a list of things I want to do - and intend to DO THEM NOW:) I am also actively making choices. I am not letting my life, however long it may be, pass me by.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Love your liver
Another wonderful statement courtesy of my mom :)
I felt super happy and at peace when I got home from my first day back at the studio! Then, about 40 min later I felt nervous again because my skin felt a bit stretched and sore around the biopsy site. The paranoid, illogical thought entered my head "oh no what if I cause further damage from exercise"...Over the past couple weeks, two leading heptalogists have reassured me this is not possible, and that exercise still is good for me.
But it's weird to have something brewing inside that I can't feel or sense.
Every time weird thoughts and fears pop up, or when I have a minute to meditate, I ask for strength to complete the tasks I'm here to do and for power to serve my people. I ask for sight to see what others need and humility to give it. I ask for compassion for myself and for others. I pray.
Things will feel normal again after a few weeks, I'm sure of it, and I will remember "oh heck yeah my body can do stuff and I didn't break"! Till then, I can have funny escapades in "what weird things will my head come up with it"? Stay tuned...
I felt super happy and at peace when I got home from my first day back at the studio! Then, about 40 min later I felt nervous again because my skin felt a bit stretched and sore around the biopsy site. The paranoid, illogical thought entered my head "oh no what if I cause further damage from exercise"...Over the past couple weeks, two leading heptalogists have reassured me this is not possible, and that exercise still is good for me.
But it's weird to have something brewing inside that I can't feel or sense.
Every time weird thoughts and fears pop up, or when I have a minute to meditate, I ask for strength to complete the tasks I'm here to do and for power to serve my people. I ask for sight to see what others need and humility to give it. I ask for compassion for myself and for others. I pray.
Things will feel normal again after a few weeks, I'm sure of it, and I will remember "oh heck yeah my body can do stuff and I didn't break"! Till then, I can have funny escapades in "what weird things will my head come up with it"? Stay tuned...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Feedback is as much about the giver as it is about the receiver
I've heard the phrase "feedback is as much about the giver as it is about the receiver" but the gravity of the statement didn't land with me till earlier today. I asked a couple of friends and family members to help me answer the following question:
Should I broadcast this blog across different social media? [Note: Not sure if the content is interesting enough to peak anyone's attention but that's a separate issue :)]
I received a variety of answers, mostly concentrated in part of the privacy spectrum. I am not implying that answers were absolutely correct or absolutely wrong - just that responses seem to be mostly consistent. It was an interesting thought experiment to ask people to describe their thought process (using the 5 whys technique) and listen to how they came to conclusions. Each person seemed to ask different questions based their feelings, opinions and fears of vulnerability - i.e., most of the polled folks would probably admit that they veer towards the less open side. The feedback givers' interpretation of my intent with the blog also weighed in at some level. [Note: These are my closest friends and I subconsciously probably choose to listen to them because they hold similar values and biases :)] It'd be interesting to ask someone from the opposite end of the spectrum - someone who shares a lot of personal information openly - and hear their take on it. I suspect I'd get a different response.
I'm conflicted on this topic myself - see pros and cons either way so am reserving making a decision till a direction "feels more right," but this raises a broader question about feedback and perception - how much can we trust the validity of our judgement/opinions/impressions if our thoughts are all skewed at some level based on where we come from?
I had a very strange 360 review a few months ago, strange mostly because there were drastically different opinions about my performance, capabilities, strengths/weaknesses, and "readiness" for additional leadership responsibilities. Apparently, multiple people came out of the woodwork to weigh in. I guess I must be doing different, maybe even right, if so many people have opinions?
A coworker told me this morning, just to share an observation nothing more, that I seemed deeply conflicted on where to take my career and he perceived I view my job more as a paycheck and have a passion for yoga. He believes my conflict rests with balancing passions/interests with desired lifestyle. People may perceive this conflict as immature. [his impression != truth which is partially my fault since I haven't universally shared every passion...pick and chose the one I thought would resonate more; more on that later] His impression was valuable to hear for the following reason:
His impression is as much about him as it is about me, if not more.
The neat trick with feedback is that it gives us opportunities to understand others. I can reverse engineer how people see the world based on their opinions on any topic, including my performance. This understanding makes it easier to handle what comes and figure out what to do with it. It can also help modify how to present information in a way that lands better in 1:1 interactions. The coworker mentioned earlier chose a particular career path to support a certain lifestyle because he had to, and he seems to view issues in terms of financials -ie., the type to vote based on his pocketbook. He's a great guy - I don't mean to imply anything other than that - but its interesting to receive feedback from him cause I can see him better in the process, and also understand how he sees me through his lens. This gives me the choice to figure out which pieces of information to share, and how to present it given his interests.
I have my own filters. I like to find the good in people, so my initial impression of most people is positive until I've seen repeated events that seem to indicate 'sheisty-ness' at which point I label that person as "bad" which isn't fair either, especially since I have the prejudice of assuming actions are deliberate. I guess the important thing is I am aware of the limitations of this viewpoint and am willing to hear other opinions and accept that they are equally valid. I ask questions about other viewpoints, not because I doubt, but more as an attempt to understand.
The challenge is handling the mentality of "I am right prove me wrong" in an opinion/not fact based space. I've heard folks try to repeat one or two sentences a person said as facts, but basic neuroscience could prove that such statements are not fact since we all put our spin on things. I have been guilty of this mindset as much as anyone else. Its a tough pill to accept that no matter how much I try to be objective through reading many articles, books, and documents with differing takes on the same topic, I am also subjective at some level. I like to believe I am less subjective hehe :) It seems like an effective way to get through in such situations could be to attempt to apply the same filter as the recipient and try to explain pros/cons through that process. So if someone says "Person X said Y" to prove a point, respond back "well my notes show Person X said Z." There is something to be said for meeting people where they are :)
The "truth" is I absolutely love being a manager. Lately, my team has been leaping forward, coming up with new investment requests, expanding academic knowledge in different fields, and settling into new team roles. I feel like a proud mama bear every time one of them runs forward with an idea and like an emotional dork I sometimes shed happiness tears (no sarcasm; I actually do like a silly bleeding heart). Its great to see people grow and follow their interests. My team inspires me to be a better human and a better leader every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people, and the best part is I don't have to do much other than share a tool or technique here and there. Sometimes, I have to make tough decisions and communicate news that may negatively impact people. It sucks, but is the reality of the world and is out of my hands. In said events, I try my best to do right by them, and swallow the pill (not choke!) that sometimes even good intentions can lead to negative outcomes...YAT easier said than done.
I care deeply about technology and associated social/policy implications (e.g. information should be free and open) to the point where it drives me mad when both are at odds. I like creating new products and services and helping my clients improve their daily lives. I also enjoy yoga tremendously, since it has been a blessing and gift that has offered me peace and belief in possibilities. Fundamentally, I like to channel everything I know/am as a being into helping others and making the world a better place.
I sometimes don't talk about the people and things I love and value for a variety of reasons:
1 ) I don't think the person I'm speaking with would be interested in that topic
2) Talking about things/people makes me consider that such things/people may go away which is scary...haha as if its safer to keep stuff secret! I know this is an illogical and silly way to look at things, but I guess half the battle is awareness that I am being illogical and silly and am willing to to admit stupidity. Awareness++!
Should I broadcast this blog across different social media? [Note: Not sure if the content is interesting enough to peak anyone's attention but that's a separate issue :)]
I received a variety of answers, mostly concentrated in part of the privacy spectrum. I am not implying that answers were absolutely correct or absolutely wrong - just that responses seem to be mostly consistent. It was an interesting thought experiment to ask people to describe their thought process (using the 5 whys technique) and listen to how they came to conclusions. Each person seemed to ask different questions based their feelings, opinions and fears of vulnerability - i.e., most of the polled folks would probably admit that they veer towards the less open side. The feedback givers' interpretation of my intent with the blog also weighed in at some level. [Note: These are my closest friends and I subconsciously probably choose to listen to them because they hold similar values and biases :)] It'd be interesting to ask someone from the opposite end of the spectrum - someone who shares a lot of personal information openly - and hear their take on it. I suspect I'd get a different response.
I'm conflicted on this topic myself - see pros and cons either way so am reserving making a decision till a direction "feels more right," but this raises a broader question about feedback and perception - how much can we trust the validity of our judgement/opinions/impressions if our thoughts are all skewed at some level based on where we come from?
I had a very strange 360 review a few months ago, strange mostly because there were drastically different opinions about my performance, capabilities, strengths/weaknesses, and "readiness" for additional leadership responsibilities. Apparently, multiple people came out of the woodwork to weigh in. I guess I must be doing different, maybe even right, if so many people have opinions?
A coworker told me this morning, just to share an observation nothing more, that I seemed deeply conflicted on where to take my career and he perceived I view my job more as a paycheck and have a passion for yoga. He believes my conflict rests with balancing passions/interests with desired lifestyle. People may perceive this conflict as immature. [his impression != truth which is partially my fault since I haven't universally shared every passion...pick and chose the one I thought would resonate more; more on that later] His impression was valuable to hear for the following reason:
His impression is as much about him as it is about me, if not more.
The neat trick with feedback is that it gives us opportunities to understand others. I can reverse engineer how people see the world based on their opinions on any topic, including my performance. This understanding makes it easier to handle what comes and figure out what to do with it. It can also help modify how to present information in a way that lands better in 1:1 interactions. The coworker mentioned earlier chose a particular career path to support a certain lifestyle because he had to, and he seems to view issues in terms of financials -ie., the type to vote based on his pocketbook. He's a great guy - I don't mean to imply anything other than that - but its interesting to receive feedback from him cause I can see him better in the process, and also understand how he sees me through his lens. This gives me the choice to figure out which pieces of information to share, and how to present it given his interests.
I have my own filters. I like to find the good in people, so my initial impression of most people is positive until I've seen repeated events that seem to indicate 'sheisty-ness' at which point I label that person as "bad" which isn't fair either, especially since I have the prejudice of assuming actions are deliberate. I guess the important thing is I am aware of the limitations of this viewpoint and am willing to hear other opinions and accept that they are equally valid. I ask questions about other viewpoints, not because I doubt, but more as an attempt to understand.
The challenge is handling the mentality of "I am right prove me wrong" in an opinion/not fact based space. I've heard folks try to repeat one or two sentences a person said as facts, but basic neuroscience could prove that such statements are not fact since we all put our spin on things. I have been guilty of this mindset as much as anyone else. Its a tough pill to accept that no matter how much I try to be objective through reading many articles, books, and documents with differing takes on the same topic, I am also subjective at some level. I like to believe I am less subjective hehe :) It seems like an effective way to get through in such situations could be to attempt to apply the same filter as the recipient and try to explain pros/cons through that process. So if someone says "Person X said Y" to prove a point, respond back "well my notes show Person X said Z." There is something to be said for meeting people where they are :)
The "truth" is I absolutely love being a manager. Lately, my team has been leaping forward, coming up with new investment requests, expanding academic knowledge in different fields, and settling into new team roles. I feel like a proud mama bear every time one of them runs forward with an idea and like an emotional dork I sometimes shed happiness tears (no sarcasm; I actually do like a silly bleeding heart). Its great to see people grow and follow their interests. My team inspires me to be a better human and a better leader every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people, and the best part is I don't have to do much other than share a tool or technique here and there. Sometimes, I have to make tough decisions and communicate news that may negatively impact people. It sucks, but is the reality of the world and is out of my hands. In said events, I try my best to do right by them, and swallow the pill (not choke!) that sometimes even good intentions can lead to negative outcomes...YAT easier said than done.
I care deeply about technology and associated social/policy implications (e.g. information should be free and open) to the point where it drives me mad when both are at odds. I like creating new products and services and helping my clients improve their daily lives. I also enjoy yoga tremendously, since it has been a blessing and gift that has offered me peace and belief in possibilities. Fundamentally, I like to channel everything I know/am as a being into helping others and making the world a better place.
I sometimes don't talk about the people and things I love and value for a variety of reasons:
1 ) I don't think the person I'm speaking with would be interested in that topic
2) Talking about things/people makes me consider that such things/people may go away which is scary...haha as if its safer to keep stuff secret! I know this is an illogical and silly way to look at things, but I guess half the battle is awareness that I am being illogical and silly and am willing to to admit stupidity. Awareness++!
trophy wife
My little asian mom said to me this morning that work, life, etc can sometimes feel like "I am the trophy wife and the old man that I married for security keeps knocking and I want him to go away but I have to bare a grin and let him in."
I love that my mom said that. She's brilliant and doesn't realize it.
Today has been a lesson in "fake it till you make it." I woke up feeling like grumpy cat, but I had some great conversations and experiences with coworkers and now I feel renewed again.
Moral of the story - Faking it till you make it works...unless people start thinking you are crazy because you are smiling so much that the edges of your mouth crease are almost as high as the bottom of your nose.
I love that my mom said that. She's brilliant and doesn't realize it.
Today has been a lesson in "fake it till you make it." I woke up feeling like grumpy cat, but I had some great conversations and experiences with coworkers and now I feel renewed again.
Moral of the story - Faking it till you make it works...unless people start thinking you are crazy because you are smiling so much that the edges of your mouth crease are almost as high as the bottom of your nose.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Inception
I am still reading "Subliminal" by Leonard Mlodinow. It's a great book! The last couple chapters I read included the following points (among others):
Point 1: People tend to remember the gist of memories rather than the details. There are multiple examples in the book of inaccurate eyewitness accounts from individuals who were heralded for their memory. This may be a survival tactic so that we respond quickly to changes in our environment. Imagine if we remembered every single detail - it'd be incredibly taxing and time consuming for our minds to sift through all of the details to pull out relevant information and figure out a fight/flight response.
Point 2: People create false memories based on new information to fill in memory gaps. For example, Ulric Neisser asked students at Emory to write their account of how they heard about the Challenger explosion. He asked a subset of these students three years later to again document how they heard about the explosion. There were significant differences between the original write-ups and the write-ups from three years later. The latter write-ups were more dramatic and cliche. The funny thing is that the authors had more confidence in the latter write-ups than the former ones!
It is interesting that people tend to modify memories into more simplistic, understandable stories over time. Our perspective, and new information we hear from other people, influences this process. For example, I recollected a health saga from 10 years ago in the first post of this blog. The post reads as an a vivid, dramatic re-telling of multiple challenging incidents in an organized story. I honestly don't remember the day-to-day boring-ness so did not write about it. After reading this book and re-reading the post, I bet events were less orderly when they occurred, and I probably created details. I could not tell you which, and would probably be extremely surprised to find out, but it'd be interesting to do a comparison with an old journal and see.
The movies Life of Pi and Inception both flirt with limits of memory in different ways. *Spoiler Alert* Life of Pi includes two accounts of the same story, both of which include examples of human virtue and depravity. One story is more fantastic and ethereal - it provides hope and faith in the ability of our species to survive through tremendous darkness. The insurance agents balk that the first story is unbelievable, so Pi shares another version that is short, concrete, and stark. At the end, the storyteller asks his audience - which do you like better? Given what we know about the subconscious mind, both stories are probably partially false. I like the first version, the fantastic retelling, because I connect with it more. Oddly it feels "more authentic" even though its not really, just more dramatic like the second memories of the Emory students. All of us "strong communicators" probably apply dramatic storytelling tactics to engage our audience more than we realize. I express emotions through my facial expressions, my hand movements, my words, and my body language - and it is an effective public speaking tactic. People listen. And probably remember 15% of what I said later :)
*Spoiler Alert, although I'm assuming you probably already saw this movie* Inception describes tactics for planting false memories. Memory planting is described as a tricky process. However, as described in Subliminal its not that hard to do...researchers have planted memories in subjects by starting with a true past incident and warping the details. This technique works since as mentioned earlier people remember the gist but not the details and seem to recreate their own false memories to fill in gaps.
Taking this a step further - does this imply that we can change our memory of the past based on shifting our current perspective? For example, if we choose to view life in a hopeful, uplifting manner, would our memories from the past be re-colored in a new light? I bet guided meditation and other therapy techniques work because of this - these techniques retrain our minds to falsify and/or erase details of past traumas and replace the memories with new positive imagery. I'm sure ad agencies exploit memory falsification for other motives, but eh as long as they don't convince me to do something crazy, I'm ok with it. Makes my life more exciting and colorful!
Separate Note: I am feeling much better after R&R and will resume normal activities tomorrow!
Point 1: People tend to remember the gist of memories rather than the details. There are multiple examples in the book of inaccurate eyewitness accounts from individuals who were heralded for their memory. This may be a survival tactic so that we respond quickly to changes in our environment. Imagine if we remembered every single detail - it'd be incredibly taxing and time consuming for our minds to sift through all of the details to pull out relevant information and figure out a fight/flight response.
Point 2: People create false memories based on new information to fill in memory gaps. For example, Ulric Neisser asked students at Emory to write their account of how they heard about the Challenger explosion. He asked a subset of these students three years later to again document how they heard about the explosion. There were significant differences between the original write-ups and the write-ups from three years later. The latter write-ups were more dramatic and cliche. The funny thing is that the authors had more confidence in the latter write-ups than the former ones!
It is interesting that people tend to modify memories into more simplistic, understandable stories over time. Our perspective, and new information we hear from other people, influences this process. For example, I recollected a health saga from 10 years ago in the first post of this blog. The post reads as an a vivid, dramatic re-telling of multiple challenging incidents in an organized story. I honestly don't remember the day-to-day boring-ness so did not write about it. After reading this book and re-reading the post, I bet events were less orderly when they occurred, and I probably created details. I could not tell you which, and would probably be extremely surprised to find out, but it'd be interesting to do a comparison with an old journal and see.
The movies Life of Pi and Inception both flirt with limits of memory in different ways. *Spoiler Alert* Life of Pi includes two accounts of the same story, both of which include examples of human virtue and depravity. One story is more fantastic and ethereal - it provides hope and faith in the ability of our species to survive through tremendous darkness. The insurance agents balk that the first story is unbelievable, so Pi shares another version that is short, concrete, and stark. At the end, the storyteller asks his audience - which do you like better? Given what we know about the subconscious mind, both stories are probably partially false. I like the first version, the fantastic retelling, because I connect with it more. Oddly it feels "more authentic" even though its not really, just more dramatic like the second memories of the Emory students. All of us "strong communicators" probably apply dramatic storytelling tactics to engage our audience more than we realize. I express emotions through my facial expressions, my hand movements, my words, and my body language - and it is an effective public speaking tactic. People listen. And probably remember 15% of what I said later :)
*Spoiler Alert, although I'm assuming you probably already saw this movie* Inception describes tactics for planting false memories. Memory planting is described as a tricky process. However, as described in Subliminal its not that hard to do...researchers have planted memories in subjects by starting with a true past incident and warping the details. This technique works since as mentioned earlier people remember the gist but not the details and seem to recreate their own false memories to fill in gaps.
Taking this a step further - does this imply that we can change our memory of the past based on shifting our current perspective? For example, if we choose to view life in a hopeful, uplifting manner, would our memories from the past be re-colored in a new light? I bet guided meditation and other therapy techniques work because of this - these techniques retrain our minds to falsify and/or erase details of past traumas and replace the memories with new positive imagery. I'm sure ad agencies exploit memory falsification for other motives, but eh as long as they don't convince me to do something crazy, I'm ok with it. Makes my life more exciting and colorful!
Separate Note: I am feeling much better after R&R and will resume normal activities tomorrow!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Wiggle your big toe
I had a liver biopsy yesterday. The procedure went smoothly, yay! The only weirdness was when the attending physician and senior ultrasound tech discussed what they were seeing on the ultrasound screen while the other radiologist and junior tech were marking me and getting ready to poke. It was strange to lie there and hear my body discussed in nerd-excitement lab experiment tones ("oh look those bile ducts are so big! Definitely PSC."). I closed my eyes during the 5 minutes, felt minimal pressure and on the plus side didn't hear anything new.
I feel ok, just achy, tired and sore. I definitely had a Kill Bill moment this morning when I tried to get out of bed. My abs felt like non-functional jelly. I kept saying in my head "Sit up. Press down your hands and sit up. Press down your legs and sit up." Eventually I asked my family to create a human bar with their arms in front of my face. I grabbed their arms with my hands and pulled myself up! Wahoo for yoga arm muscles! Now, I feel fine walking around in my room (albeit slowly), sitting, and am digesting normally. Double yay!
The cool thing is my sister surprised me and showed up this morning! She took an early morning flight from Boston and met up with us in Baltimore. She's been plotting this surprise with my mom for days. It's great to have her here, mostly because I keep forcing her to give me foot massages bwahahaha.
On a separate note, I've been reading the book "Subliminal" which discusses the significant role our subconscious mind plays in shaping our viewpoint and memory. I probably picked up the book because it has a bright green cover and disguised text saying "Buy Buy Buy" across the book jacket :) There's an interesting point early in the book about the limits of our memory formation, retention, and recollection. The author cites John Dean's testimony from the Nixon/Watergate scandal to illustrate how individuals heralded for their precise memories can be dead wrong about the facts (Dean's testimony barely matched tape recordings from actual conversations with Nixon). It's amazing that we create own tapes of what happened! This makes me wonder, how much of my health issues do I really remember? How much of anything do any of us remember? Kind of makes me want to use my iPhone all day to tape situations!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Sith Lords and Boxification: Part II
I had great conversations with two amazing coworkers (names shall remain hidden to protect identities) over the past couple days:
Boxification: The world is simpler when everything and everyone fits a box, but people can be more than their boxes!
Coworker B: An intelligent person can simplify situations and abstract out the complex.Me: It's weird that everything can be boiled down to a diagram of a bunch of colored boxes in boxes with lines linking them. Are we losing meaning in the process?Coworker B: There's value from abstraction (pulls people up from getting wrapped around in details when they are missing the point), but it's also important to understand the limitations.
I am consultant and a technologist. This means my mindset, if I apply stereotypes from both disciplines, could be that every world problem can be addressed by applying a 3-phase process, and the solution is some sort of app. As you can tell by my sarcasm, I have many concerns with this 'approach to life' :)
I completely agree with my coworker that there is value from simplifying situations. Case in point, I had a client who needed help with some analysis. He kept getting lost in the details of various policies/efforts/organizational issues and didn't know where to start work. My team was able to help him figure out an approach to conduct the analysis and identify a starting point. The initial "solution" was a simple document, that showed a collection of information from different sets. The team is currently iterating to mature the process and accompanying tools for capturing, analyzing, and reporting information on demand.
However, I wonder sometimes if we jump too quickly to come up with a solution and lose sight of important details in our quest to solve a problem. Maslow's hammer - give a boy a hammer and everything starts looking like a nail - seems like a common phenomenon in both consulting and technology. The irony is we always complain about it, yet we keep doing it, myself included!
The scarier thing, at least scarier to me, is when that mentality applies to people. I often hear managers try to type people - she's an analyst or he's a developer. Typing makes it a lot easier in large organizations to understand individual strengths and weaknesses and move people between projects. It makes it easier to hire and fire. However it can be a limiting viewpoint, particularly when there are folks who can fit other roles but are not given the opportunity to develop and market those skills. I know of some developers who are also great writers / editors and visual artists, but their talents outside of coding are rarely utilized to their fullest potential. Some of them have started side projects to nurture their talents, which is great, however their gifts go unacknowledged formally. The boxification mindset disincentives creative exploration and growth outside of set boundaries (why invest time doing a side project when you are only evaluated on stapling papers rapidly, just get better at stapling and do it for a long time so you get promoted to lead stapler). It also limits the benefits that can be reaped by the organization through harnessing talent.
In general, I hate boxes. When anybody tells me you can't do that or you aren't that, I get annoyed and go on a "I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG" rampage. I believe everyone can do whatever they put their minds to, and encourage my team to find their own limits and surpass them. I can come off pushy, I know, and am trying to harness it a back a bit so people go at their own pace and make their own choices. However, I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE BOX and believe that people are unique snowflakes. If someone wants to stay in a particular role, that's totally fine - its their choice. Eventually all of us will be hired/fired/replaced, but as managers and leaders its our job to help our teams believe that they have unlimited potential individually and collectively and enable their growth.
Unrelated Note: My liver biopsy is in a few hours. Wish me luck! Hopefully the doctors will be able to confirm the diagnosis after reviewing results.
Boxification: The world is simpler when everything and everyone fits a box, but people can be more than their boxes!
Coworker B: An intelligent person can simplify situations and abstract out the complex.Me: It's weird that everything can be boiled down to a diagram of a bunch of colored boxes in boxes with lines linking them. Are we losing meaning in the process?Coworker B: There's value from abstraction (pulls people up from getting wrapped around in details when they are missing the point), but it's also important to understand the limitations.
I am consultant and a technologist. This means my mindset, if I apply stereotypes from both disciplines, could be that every world problem can be addressed by applying a 3-phase process, and the solution is some sort of app. As you can tell by my sarcasm, I have many concerns with this 'approach to life' :)
I completely agree with my coworker that there is value from simplifying situations. Case in point, I had a client who needed help with some analysis. He kept getting lost in the details of various policies/efforts/organizational issues and didn't know where to start work. My team was able to help him figure out an approach to conduct the analysis and identify a starting point. The initial "solution" was a simple document, that showed a collection of information from different sets. The team is currently iterating to mature the process and accompanying tools for capturing, analyzing, and reporting information on demand.
However, I wonder sometimes if we jump too quickly to come up with a solution and lose sight of important details in our quest to solve a problem. Maslow's hammer - give a boy a hammer and everything starts looking like a nail - seems like a common phenomenon in both consulting and technology. The irony is we always complain about it, yet we keep doing it, myself included!
The scarier thing, at least scarier to me, is when that mentality applies to people. I often hear managers try to type people - she's an analyst or he's a developer. Typing makes it a lot easier in large organizations to understand individual strengths and weaknesses and move people between projects. It makes it easier to hire and fire. However it can be a limiting viewpoint, particularly when there are folks who can fit other roles but are not given the opportunity to develop and market those skills. I know of some developers who are also great writers / editors and visual artists, but their talents outside of coding are rarely utilized to their fullest potential. Some of them have started side projects to nurture their talents, which is great, however their gifts go unacknowledged formally. The boxification mindset disincentives creative exploration and growth outside of set boundaries (why invest time doing a side project when you are only evaluated on stapling papers rapidly, just get better at stapling and do it for a long time so you get promoted to lead stapler). It also limits the benefits that can be reaped by the organization through harnessing talent.
In general, I hate boxes. When anybody tells me you can't do that or you aren't that, I get annoyed and go on a "I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG" rampage. I believe everyone can do whatever they put their minds to, and encourage my team to find their own limits and surpass them. I can come off pushy, I know, and am trying to harness it a back a bit so people go at their own pace and make their own choices. However, I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE BOX and believe that people are unique snowflakes. If someone wants to stay in a particular role, that's totally fine - its their choice. Eventually all of us will be hired/fired/replaced, but as managers and leaders its our job to help our teams believe that they have unlimited potential individually and collectively and enable their growth.
Unrelated Note: My liver biopsy is in a few hours. Wish me luck! Hopefully the doctors will be able to confirm the diagnosis after reviewing results.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sith Lords and Boxification: Part I
I had great conversations with two amazing coworkers (names shall remain hidden to protect identities) over the past couple days:
Sith Lords: The force is strong within you, young-ling. Use it for good!
Coworker A: I keep finding corporate CEOs and world leaders who resemble Emperor Palpatine.
Me: Creepy. It's annoying that so many executives resemble hidden Sith lords.
Yes we were talking in stereotypes, but the physical similarities between Emperor Palpatine and a few known world leaders (names shall remain hidden to protect the innocent and not-so innocent) are undeniable. One could argue mental dispositions are similar too. But why is that?
I am interested in answering this question for my own sanity and the sake of the people since I've always wanted to run the world. In fact, I think I am destined to run the world. Yes the previous statement may read conceited and overconfident but it is something I have been thinking since the age of 7. I have been preparing for many years by reading interviews with famous scientists, intellectuals, entrepreneurs and doctors in magazines to identify potential answers to various questions. I've imagined what I'd say in interviews to project different images.
Me: I would like to be a tree. [Note: I am not as good of a human as Katherine Hepburn and probably would never say this. But hypothetically if I did the conversation could go in one of the following different ways]
Barbara Walters: What kind of tree?
Nice, Caring Me: I am a sensitive willow tree by a gentle, bubbling stream. I shelter parents and kids as they have picnics below my branches. I am a source of joy for others.
Yoga Me: I am a strong oak with roots that dig deep into our Sacred Earth. My branches sway with the wind but my foundation is always strong.
Clever Me: One that exists. [Note: This reminds me of the time some CMU CS friends happened up on a large wooden uppercase epsilon in the lobby of my dorm and took photos by it to prove they existed. Fun times in nerdville. I wonder why someone built the epsilon? Probably for a silly fraternity ritual.]
Weirdo Me: I am a tree that flies! [Note: It'd be cool to be a flying, superhero tree.]
This thought process may read as calculated and contrived, but its what goes on in my head all the time. The interesting part is all of these answers are equally correct - I think all of these things, many of them simultaneously. As you may infer, I consistently personality type as an ENTJ. However, I recently read the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" and typed high as an introvert. Maybe I just like checking of 'yes' in questionnaires?
Anywho, this got me thinking about common portrayals of good and evil. Evil characters are always depicted as calculating and manipulative. Good characters are shown as honest, naive, and often get taken advantage of by evil characters. They are too good to see through the charms of the evil characters and spent most of their lives struggling to move forward. Evil characters seem on a constant path towards success but eventually demise due to their one fatal flaw.
I've struggled most of my life to figure out if I'm good or evil. I am ambitious, logical and have goals to do big things and run the world. At an intuitive level, I continuously plan to achieve those goals. I instantly view the actions of others equally schematic/thought out. I used to think feelings were a weakness and hid mine as much as possible. Lately, I purposefully have focused on diving into yoga to shift this perspective and grow more comfortable with my feelings as well as those of others. However, it's still a very conscious effort to view the world in terms of emotions instead of logic.
Coincidentally, my mom has been watching East of Eden. I read the book a long time ago, but forgot most of the story. East of Eden focuses on discussing the classic question of good versus evil...and concludes with the notion of choice, or timshel - thou mayest. A person can choose how to act. Our choices define who we are.
This led me to conclude that I am not evil. I am a normal, flawed human being who has made some bad decisions and will continue to make some bad decisions. I want to use my skills/talents to do good, but the complexities of the world make it hard to tell sometimes. I see the good in others and want to help them be successful. I choose to be good! I am normal!
<Insert mental image - my friend's shirt that showed the mirror image of the world normal - lamron>
Sith Lords: The force is strong within you, young-ling. Use it for good!
Coworker A: I keep finding corporate CEOs and world leaders who resemble Emperor Palpatine.
Me: Creepy. It's annoying that so many executives resemble hidden Sith lords.
Yes we were talking in stereotypes, but the physical similarities between Emperor Palpatine and a few known world leaders (names shall remain hidden to protect the innocent and not-so innocent) are undeniable. One could argue mental dispositions are similar too. But why is that?
I am interested in answering this question for my own sanity and the sake of the people since I've always wanted to run the world. In fact, I think I am destined to run the world. Yes the previous statement may read conceited and overconfident but it is something I have been thinking since the age of 7. I have been preparing for many years by reading interviews with famous scientists, intellectuals, entrepreneurs and doctors in magazines to identify potential answers to various questions. I've imagined what I'd say in interviews to project different images.
Me: I would like to be a tree. [Note: I am not as good of a human as Katherine Hepburn and probably would never say this. But hypothetically if I did the conversation could go in one of the following different ways]
Barbara Walters: What kind of tree?
Nice, Caring Me: I am a sensitive willow tree by a gentle, bubbling stream. I shelter parents and kids as they have picnics below my branches. I am a source of joy for others.
Yoga Me: I am a strong oak with roots that dig deep into our Sacred Earth. My branches sway with the wind but my foundation is always strong.
Clever Me: One that exists. [Note: This reminds me of the time some CMU CS friends happened up on a large wooden uppercase epsilon in the lobby of my dorm and took photos by it to prove they existed. Fun times in nerdville. I wonder why someone built the epsilon? Probably for a silly fraternity ritual.]
Weirdo Me: I am a tree that flies! [Note: It'd be cool to be a flying, superhero tree.]
This thought process may read as calculated and contrived, but its what goes on in my head all the time. The interesting part is all of these answers are equally correct - I think all of these things, many of them simultaneously. As you may infer, I consistently personality type as an ENTJ. However, I recently read the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" and typed high as an introvert. Maybe I just like checking of 'yes' in questionnaires?
Anywho, this got me thinking about common portrayals of good and evil. Evil characters are always depicted as calculating and manipulative. Good characters are shown as honest, naive, and often get taken advantage of by evil characters. They are too good to see through the charms of the evil characters and spent most of their lives struggling to move forward. Evil characters seem on a constant path towards success but eventually demise due to their one fatal flaw.
I've struggled most of my life to figure out if I'm good or evil. I am ambitious, logical and have goals to do big things and run the world. At an intuitive level, I continuously plan to achieve those goals. I instantly view the actions of others equally schematic/thought out. I used to think feelings were a weakness and hid mine as much as possible. Lately, I purposefully have focused on diving into yoga to shift this perspective and grow more comfortable with my feelings as well as those of others. However, it's still a very conscious effort to view the world in terms of emotions instead of logic.
Coincidentally, my mom has been watching East of Eden. I read the book a long time ago, but forgot most of the story. East of Eden focuses on discussing the classic question of good versus evil...and concludes with the notion of choice, or timshel - thou mayest. A person can choose how to act. Our choices define who we are.
This led me to conclude that I am not evil. I am a normal, flawed human being who has made some bad decisions and will continue to make some bad decisions. I want to use my skills/talents to do good, but the complexities of the world make it hard to tell sometimes. I see the good in others and want to help them be successful. I choose to be good! I am normal!
<Insert mental image - my friend's shirt that showed the mirror image of the world normal - lamron>
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
30SIF, Seeking beauty in the mess
I walked in to the office yesterday and made a beeline straight for the bathroom. My skin broke out (a lot!) a few weeks ago, probably cause of stress/anxiety from ongoing health drama, and I wanted to see how bad the damage was in office lighting...I stood in the bathroom and walked back and forth from the mirror till I concluded - I look "normal" with foundation on about 2 - 2.5 feet away from people, but the acne definitely shows if people stand a bit closer. But who stands within 2 feet of you right? Only creepy weirdos (and yoga people, but eh its yoga)! To play it safe, I packed up my bag and relocated to a different building / office in the complex, where I felt there was between 30 - 50 % less chance of running into people.
This got me thinking about an inspirational episode of Project Runway from years ago. The contestants had the challenge to take a photograph of a scene outside and translate it into a garment. Andre (pronounced as "aaaaauhnnndre" in Tim Gunn's voice) took a photo of water near a sewer grate, and captured the beauty from the image in a stunning gown. He was the only one who took a photo of non-perfect new york scene.
One could argue that a pebbly sewer grate water puddle is slightly "prettier" than acne, but nevertheless I was impressed by Andre's ability to look at something gross and see something beautiful inside. I rarely look at faded, residual scars like the small PIC line mark on my right arm, or tiny pinprick scars from IVs in my hands and forearms. Generally, I think I'm beautiful...till people start asking questions.
Doctor: "You have significant striae. Where is this from?"
Me (in my head): Oh I dunno, maybe an after effect of any of the 10 medical issues I recounted to you less than 15 - 20 minutes ago
Me (out loud): "From 2001 when I rapidly gained weight from significant prednisone and then lost weight again."
I feel less beautiful when the questions come, because I start looking at myself and feeling less beautiful. I have come a long way from the days when I never felt safe in bathing suit, and never went anywhere without makeup. I still have a long way to go, but that's ok. I am actively seeking to find beauty in my mess and am finding it there every day.
This got me thinking about an inspirational episode of Project Runway from years ago. The contestants had the challenge to take a photograph of a scene outside and translate it into a garment. Andre (pronounced as "aaaaauhnnndre" in Tim Gunn's voice) took a photo of water near a sewer grate, and captured the beauty from the image in a stunning gown. He was the only one who took a photo of non-perfect new york scene.
One could argue that a pebbly sewer grate water puddle is slightly "prettier" than acne, but nevertheless I was impressed by Andre's ability to look at something gross and see something beautiful inside. I rarely look at faded, residual scars like the small PIC line mark on my right arm, or tiny pinprick scars from IVs in my hands and forearms. Generally, I think I'm beautiful...till people start asking questions.
Doctor: "You have significant striae. Where is this from?"
Me (in my head): Oh I dunno, maybe an after effect of any of the 10 medical issues I recounted to you less than 15 - 20 minutes ago
Me (out loud): "From 2001 when I rapidly gained weight from significant prednisone and then lost weight again."
I feel less beautiful when the questions come, because I start looking at myself and feeling less beautiful. I have come a long way from the days when I never felt safe in bathing suit, and never went anywhere without makeup. I still have a long way to go, but that's ok. I am actively seeking to find beauty in my mess and am finding it there every day.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I farted. I am alive.
During today’s 6pm yoga class, I farted out loud during half
pigeon pose and laughed. The fart confirmed that my lower digestive system works
and that I’m not constipated. I will admit that I am happy nobody assisted me
during the pose. I am also happy that I farted at a yoga studio and not during
a meeting at the Pentagon. Regardless, it was an awesome, empowering experience.
This isn’t the first time that I was happy to experience a bodily
sensation. After leaving the hospital in 2002 post-splenectomy with “stabilized”
portal vein thrombosis, I was excited to poop. It was great to sit on a toilet
by myself, think about things, and have a wonderful release at the end of the experience
(sometimes a long process requiring me to tilt my hips forward and backward
till I built up the strength to expel feces). I was excited to see normal
colors and no blood. I knew good things were ahead.
I recently had a rude awakening that dredged up these memories
from the past and made me aware of how much I have forgotten about living with chronic
illness and being grateful for life. About four weeks ago, I started itching like
crazy, couldn’t sleep at night, and convinced myself that I had scabies. I
immediately called the doctor thinking I need to get better soon so I can
assist and teach yoga class this week. The doctor initially thought I developed
a new allergy, but realized based on labs that something was wrong with my
liver.
Things are still vague after weeks of scans, tests, and multiple
appointments with specialists. My initial diagnosis is primary sclerosing
cholangitis, which is a condition more common in white guys (not short indian females). Since I do not fit the profile, my hepatologist thinks I may also have also autoimmune hepatitis. The doctor
scheduled a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. Based on internet research, it
seems like the treatment path could be a mixture of prednisone/azathioprine
with potentially needing a liver transplant in the future. The pewter lining is
that there’s an excellent prognosis for PSC patients who get a transplant.
Heck, maybe we’ll be able to 3-d print a liver soon!
The weird thing is that this sort of feels like a rehash of 2000.
Back then, I was 17 years old and was diagnosed with my first chronic health
condition - autoimmune hemolytic anemia. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks before
starting college at Carnegie Mellon University. I was excited to go to college,
and had the attitude that nothing was going to stop me from starting school on
time with the rest of my classmates. I was going to graduate from Computer
Science with honors (HA…more like barely pass, but more on that later) and work
on Wall Street and make a ton of money and take over the world and sickness did
not fit in the plan! Anyway, after a whirlwind couple weeks of appointments,
hospital stays, and new drugs, my counts increased enough so I could relocate
to Pittsburgh and continue my treatment at Childrens Hospital of Pittsburgh.
The staff at the hematology/oncology center (nurses, doctors, lab technicians) was
amazing and incredibly supportive. They tried to calibrate my drug doses
(prednisone and at times azathioprine…yep same drugs) to not impact my exam
schedule. They accommodated my class schedule and squeezed in appointments once
or twice a week. I distinctly remember sneaking away from campus for those
appointments on the 61 A/B/C buses and hoping nobody noticed my band-aids in
class afterwards.
It was a weird time…I created my own version of normal to
cope with the situation (duh of course it’s normal to go to the doctors between
humanities electives and programming class because it gives my brain time to
switch from left to right…or is it right to left?) while moving through the
motions of a standard college experience. After the surgery, and PVT
complication, I spent 6 months in recovery after which I was re-defined as “healthy
again, minus the chronic portal vein thrombosis which may result in esophageal
varices – i.e. if I randomly spew blood, I should go to the hospital and have
my vessels repaired.”
It took me a while, through some therapy and extensive self-reflection,
to mentally recover and find a new passion for service. Physically, I have been
pretty stable since 2002 minus a small blip a few years ago when I developed
slight varices that quickly shrunk after banding. Up until four weeks ago, I
had pretty much reverted back to the pre-2000 ignorant, blissful mental state
of “normal.”
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