30SIF, Seeking beauty in the mess

I walked in to the office yesterday and made a beeline straight for the bathroom. My skin broke out (a lot!) a few weeks ago, probably cause of stress/anxiety from ongoing health drama, and I wanted to see how bad the damage was in office lighting...I stood in the bathroom and walked back and forth from the mirror till I concluded - I look "normal" with foundation on about 2 - 2.5 feet away from people, but the acne definitely shows if people stand a bit closer. But who stands within 2 feet of you right? Only creepy weirdos (and yoga people, but eh its yoga)! To play it safe, I packed up my bag and relocated to a different building / office in the complex, where I felt there was between 30 - 50 % less chance of running into people.

This got me thinking about an inspirational episode of Project Runway from years ago. The contestants had the challenge to take a photograph of a scene outside and translate it into a garment. Andre (pronounced as "aaaaauhnnndre" in Tim Gunn's voice) took a photo of water near a sewer grate, and captured the beauty from the image in a stunning gown. He was the only one who took a photo of non-perfect new york scene.

One could argue that a pebbly sewer grate water puddle is slightly "prettier" than acne, but nevertheless I was impressed by Andre's ability to look at something gross and see something beautiful inside. I rarely look at faded, residual scars like the small PIC line mark on my right arm, or tiny pinprick scars from IVs in my hands and forearms. Generally, I think I'm beautiful...till people start asking questions.

Doctor: "You have significant striae. Where is this from?"  
Me (in my head): Oh I dunno, maybe an after effect of any of the 10 medical issues I recounted to you less than 15 - 20 minutes ago
Me (out loud): "From 2001 when I rapidly gained weight from significant prednisone and then lost weight again."

I feel less beautiful when the questions come, because I start looking at myself and feeling less beautiful. I have come a long way from the days when I never felt safe in bathing suit, and never went anywhere without makeup. I still have a long way to go, but that's ok. I am actively seeking to find beauty in my mess and am finding it there every day.